“I was going to try out for the debate team in college, but, someone talked me out of it”

“In a statement, the Fed said it had authorized a $180 billion expansion of swap lines, or reciprocal currency arrangements, with the other central banks, including amounts up to $110 billion by the ECB and up to $27 million by the Swiss National Bank.”

Gov. Palin lost the election and went back to Alaska. Why wasn't the "wildlife department" notified?

Mary and John, a middle aged relatively happy married couple, were pulled over by the police one day.
“Do you know why you were pulled over sir? “ said the cop.
“Ya, cause he was speeding,’ said Mary.
“Shut up’” said John.
And I told you to renew that sticker three months ago,” said Mary.
“Shut the hell up,” said John.
“Does your husband always talk to you like that ma’am?” said the policeman.
"No," said Mary "Only when he’s drunk."

Just when I was starting to feel like Mr. Right
The girls all started to look for Mr. Left.

Nobody is perfect unless you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my
blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like because
nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok. They know
me here.

I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said, 'Thyroid problem?'

When you stop believing in Santa Claus is when you
start getting clothes for Christmas.

I don't do drugs anymore because I find I get the same
effect just by standing up really fast.

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery
easier to live with.

If money can't keep you out of jail, what good is it?

I don't have a big ego, I'm way too cool for that.

I am the most humble person in the world

I got a sweater for christmas
I was hoping for a screamer or a moaner.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the
'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take
them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk
for a year and a half.

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it,
chances are you won't either.

If God had intended for man to use the metric system,
Jesus would have only had ten disciples.

I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many
of them get elected.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has
absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands,
you might as well keep the first.

There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and
shithead's.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals
you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate"
in seven languages.

I was on a date recently, and I took my date
horsebackriding. That was kind of fun, until we ran
out of quarters.

Women should not have children after 35. Really...35
children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for $1.00 at
bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than
done.

Save Your Breath. You'll need it to blow up your date.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am
perfect.

I married my wife for her looks, but not the ones
she's been giving me lately.

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of
consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was
a salted.

That Claudia Schiffer must be a genius. I told a
friend my plan to attain world peace, and he told me I
have "Schiffer Brains."

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team
is winning.

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign:
CHECKOUT TIME IS 18.

How come we choose from just two people for president
and 50 for Miss America?

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer,
cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining
about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on which side of the
bathroom door you're on.

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at
the wrong nursery. I was surrounded by trees
and bushes.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the
fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like
having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Most nudists are people you don't want to see naked.

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a
decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember:
Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty
percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

My Favorite Joke; "George W. Bush, President of the United States" Home