George Carlin Quotes
1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things
2. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, floor
3. Atheism is a non-prophet organization
4. If man evolved from monkey and apes, then why do we still have monkey and
apes?
5. The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all of the bad
girls live,
6. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose
7. Could it be that those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets arent going as
ghosts but as matresses?
8. If a mute swears, does his mom make him wash his hands with soap?
9. If a man is standing in the middle of the woods speaking and there is no
woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?
10. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it
considered a hostage situation?
11. Is there another word for synonym?
12. Isnt it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'
13. Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'
14. What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
15. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
16. Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
17. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean
them?
18. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it homeless or naked?
19. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
20. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
21. If the police go to arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to
remain silent?
22. Why do they put braille on drive through bank machines?
23. How do blind people know when they're done wiping?
24. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow sign?
25. Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because they taste funny?
26. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
27. One nice thing about egotists; they don't talk about other people
28. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not to be able to say it
29. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups
30. The older you get, the better you realize you were
31. Age is a very high price for maturity
32. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday
33. Women like silent men, they think they're listening
34. Men are from Earth. Women are from Earth. Deal with it
35. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
36. Do pediatricians play mini golf on wednesdays?
37. Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?
38. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultry?
39. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
40. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
41. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
42. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, then why is it still #2?
43. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
44. If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?
45. If you try to fail and succeed, which have you done?
46. Why is it called tourist season when we cant shoot at them?
